Soo busy the last two days...busy dreaming. More to come soon. Promise.
I leave you with this:
Thursday, January 6, 2011
Monday, January 3, 2011
Where is home?
It's that stressful time again. No I am not talking about tax season. I am talking about my lease is up! This is a love hate relationship for me. I hate moving. But love a new space. In the past 10 years I have moved 9 times. Only staying in one place for 2 years. That is insane! Think about it - I had to put my Ikea furniture together 9 times. That in itself might be the most stressful of it all. All those little pieces and cranking the what-you-call-it tool. Ugh! My blood pressure rises just thinking about it.
I wanted to spend some time looking deeper into this having to move and not be comfortable with one place little predicament I put myself in. Growing up we only moved once. When I was three we moved from our boat to the house I would spend the next 15 years in. So it's not like my parents instilled this "I must move" anxious feeling I get every year. And man do I get anxious. The thought of moving consumes me. I stress about it, worry about it, dream about it....
The real question is where does this come from? Can I please pick a place. Please. As I started to ponder this while I was scouring the internet for a new abode it slowly came to me. The last ten years I was really struggling with my identity. And I am still working on it. But it was almost like I was having an identity crisis. Wait check that. I was having an identity crisis.
Let's be honest here. If you have spent anytime with me over the last 10 years you would recognize my inability to pick - pick my clothes, pick where I want to eat, what show to watch, where I want to vacation. This is quite annoying and extremely annoying for others. I can tell you I have been told this on many occasions. So it makes sense that I would have a problem picking a location to live.
But its more about the physical location of where I am living. It's about a place to rest my soul. You know that saying - home is where the heart is. True. But it is really so much more than that. It's a place where your soul can rest, can rejuvenate, can dance in the moonlight. Come on don't act like I'm the only one who dances alone in my room! You just haven't been caught yet. Don't try to lie.
So if I can't figure out where to go eat how could I expect myself to pick the perfect place for me. Until I listened to my soul tell me. And it has been telling me for years! However all of a sudden I'm like eureka! The heavens opened and I see. Insert angels singing, clouds opening and bottles poppin' here.
I remember my first trip to California. Actually one of my best memories. My aunt and uncle's wedding in beautiful Carmel. I remember the smell of the ocean, the beautiful colors of the sunset, I even remember the texture of the rocks we played on. My next trip wasn't until I was in 8th grade when my Mom brought us with her for one of her education conventions in Los Angeles. And then I wouldn't come back till I was in college. But I always knew. Always felt this pull towards SoCal. Like a magnet.
While in college I tried to convince one of my teammates to move to LA with me after we graduated. She agreed. But then. Yes...a boy came along. So that was out of the question. You see on my last visit I was in love. In love with the sites, the people, the culture, the creative air, the opportunity and the sun wasn't too bad either. It would be nice to not be called "white lightening" anymore or to be asked where are my socks when I clearly had them on. I was going to be tan! But sadly, no luck. My wish of being a California girl would have to wait.
Until that day I met a California boy. Want to hear something sappy. I cried after the spring break when I had to go back to Seattle. I didn't want to leave California. Man I am sap for this place.
Sure. I can hear you all now. California! Those stuck up, snobby, celebrities, with too much money, who wants to live in a place with no seasons. Right. Okay. Talk your smack but didn't your Mom ever tell you to only talk about what you know? Ever spent some real time here? Ever talk to the people? Ever experience the fun of a sunny Christmas morning? That is my nice way of saying keeping your mouth shut! Take that.
I knew I had to get back to this place. Had to. Or I would go crazy. The universe had been laying hints all along the way that this was my place I just never stopped to listen. There was even one point when my doctor said I needed to move to a warmer climate because my circulation problem was getting worse. You guessed it. I didn't listen. Hello I am stubborn people! In the worst way.
It wasn't until moving to California was the only way to keep my current relationship in tact that I finally made a move. And man did I move on that one. Found a place, made the plans and drove a Uhaul all the way to Southern California. Figured it out in less than 5 months. I can honestly say that move was one of the best decisions of my life.
However, I wasn't quite listening all the way. Know what this feels like? You sort of do what you want. You buy the purse that looks like the one you really want but are afraid to spend the money. And then the whole time you wish you would have bought the other one! So frustrating. And then you get to a point where you resent the bag you bought. A month later it's collecting dust in the back of your closet. All along you could have just done what you wanted first, been happy and never had to have any of those negative emotions in the first place. Too easy. Way to easy to be happy. Ha!
I've moved 4 times since being here. Always in search of that soul resting place. Thinking I could make due even though I knew I wanted to be just a little bit more North. You would have thought after having to put together that Ikea bookshelf for the 3rd time I would have gotten the hint. Nope. I am very good at making myself suffer. But suffer no more!
Have you wondered yet where I think my soul home is? You mean you can't guess? Yes. It's in California but this is a huge state! Ever try to drive from SD to the Bay Area?! My dream home - is in the Los Angeles area. I absolutely love it there. I feel me. I feel free. And for the first time in more than 10 years I feel home.
Sure I might have to move a few more times. But only if it's an upgrade to my current housing situation. Now I am on a mission. I have a purpose to my search that's greater then a place to put all my stuff. Home is more than the 12x12 space you sleep in. Home is where your soul feels free to be, to live, to create, to love and enjoy every moment on this beautiful earth. Okay sounds a little cheesy. But it is so true.
I must get back to my search. Ah so fitting. Life is a search process. Every piece. For if we stop searching we have stopped living. Back to emails and craigslist to find my new home in LA. Holla!!!
"Peace - that was the other name for home." - Kathleen Norris
Peace. Love. Dream.
The real question is where does this come from? Can I please pick a place. Please. As I started to ponder this while I was scouring the internet for a new abode it slowly came to me. The last ten years I was really struggling with my identity. And I am still working on it. But it was almost like I was having an identity crisis. Wait check that. I was having an identity crisis.
Let's be honest here. If you have spent anytime with me over the last 10 years you would recognize my inability to pick - pick my clothes, pick where I want to eat, what show to watch, where I want to vacation. This is quite annoying and extremely annoying for others. I can tell you I have been told this on many occasions. So it makes sense that I would have a problem picking a location to live.
But its more about the physical location of where I am living. It's about a place to rest my soul. You know that saying - home is where the heart is. True. But it is really so much more than that. It's a place where your soul can rest, can rejuvenate, can dance in the moonlight. Come on don't act like I'm the only one who dances alone in my room! You just haven't been caught yet. Don't try to lie.
So if I can't figure out where to go eat how could I expect myself to pick the perfect place for me. Until I listened to my soul tell me. And it has been telling me for years! However all of a sudden I'm like eureka! The heavens opened and I see. Insert angels singing, clouds opening and bottles poppin' here.
While in college I tried to convince one of my teammates to move to LA with me after we graduated. She agreed. But then. Yes...a boy came along. So that was out of the question. You see on my last visit I was in love. In love with the sites, the people, the culture, the creative air, the opportunity and the sun wasn't too bad either. It would be nice to not be called "white lightening" anymore or to be asked where are my socks when I clearly had them on. I was going to be tan! But sadly, no luck. My wish of being a California girl would have to wait.
Until that day I met a California boy. Want to hear something sappy. I cried after the spring break when I had to go back to Seattle. I didn't want to leave California. Man I am sap for this place.
Sure. I can hear you all now. California! Those stuck up, snobby, celebrities, with too much money, who wants to live in a place with no seasons. Right. Okay. Talk your smack but didn't your Mom ever tell you to only talk about what you know? Ever spent some real time here? Ever talk to the people? Ever experience the fun of a sunny Christmas morning? That is my nice way of saying keeping your mouth shut! Take that.
I knew I had to get back to this place. Had to. Or I would go crazy. The universe had been laying hints all along the way that this was my place I just never stopped to listen. There was even one point when my doctor said I needed to move to a warmer climate because my circulation problem was getting worse. You guessed it. I didn't listen. Hello I am stubborn people! In the worst way.
It wasn't until moving to California was the only way to keep my current relationship in tact that I finally made a move. And man did I move on that one. Found a place, made the plans and drove a Uhaul all the way to Southern California. Figured it out in less than 5 months. I can honestly say that move was one of the best decisions of my life.
However, I wasn't quite listening all the way. Know what this feels like? You sort of do what you want. You buy the purse that looks like the one you really want but are afraid to spend the money. And then the whole time you wish you would have bought the other one! So frustrating. And then you get to a point where you resent the bag you bought. A month later it's collecting dust in the back of your closet. All along you could have just done what you wanted first, been happy and never had to have any of those negative emotions in the first place. Too easy. Way to easy to be happy. Ha!
I've moved 4 times since being here. Always in search of that soul resting place. Thinking I could make due even though I knew I wanted to be just a little bit more North. You would have thought after having to put together that Ikea bookshelf for the 3rd time I would have gotten the hint. Nope. I am very good at making myself suffer. But suffer no more!
Have you wondered yet where I think my soul home is? You mean you can't guess? Yes. It's in California but this is a huge state! Ever try to drive from SD to the Bay Area?! My dream home - is in the Los Angeles area. I absolutely love it there. I feel me. I feel free. And for the first time in more than 10 years I feel home.
I must get back to my search. Ah so fitting. Life is a search process. Every piece. For if we stop searching we have stopped living. Back to emails and craigslist to find my new home in LA. Holla!!!
"Peace - that was the other name for home." - Kathleen Norris
Peace. Love. Dream.
Sunday, January 2, 2011
Philosphy 101
I'm so proud of myself! Day two of my daily blog. Off to a great start this year with my resolutions. Now if I could just stay away from the chips and gauc...I surrendered to those on the first day.
Yesterday I was wondering what I would write about for today's. Trying to think of something worth writing about. Something that wouldn't bore the heck out of me or anyone who might read my blog. There is always the usual "girl" stuff like men, sex, beauty, wrinkles, those extra pounds. Any topic relating to self-esteem.
But honestly those are surfaces discussions. The safe conversations that people discuss with their girls over cocktails. Those topics just aren't deep enough for me. Come on, you knew I always go for the dramatic. If I could get paid for over-reacting I would be millionaire by now. I have perfected the "he didn't call me when he said he would" reaction to a true Oscar winning performance. I can give references of a few poor men if you need...
So as I was in deep thought and conversation last night. It came to me like a ton of bricks! I wondered if this is what happened to prophets? The thought, story, lesson just slammed against their soul?
Hard to believe that 10 years ago (oh that hurts to say) I was a scared little freshmen on the campus of Seattle University. Trust me I was scared! Who calls their Mom the first night of class at 3 am and begs for her to pick me up. I was soooo homesick. Don't think that is funny or abnormal? Did I mention I grew-up about 40 minutes from the university?!
A quick side note - for those who have never heard of this gem of a university that sits above the downtown area - well you are missing out! I loved my time at SU. I quickly got over my homesick distraction and immersed myself in the culture of the university. Except the whole wearing no shoes and no showering thing. For some reason I just couldn't get into that one. Maybe it was the 266 days of rain that encouraged me to put on some shoes every morning.There I was freshmen year at SU enrolled in all the "have to" courses - math, theology (we were a Jesuit university - insert joke here...) and philosophy. After purchasing my books, I was particularly nervous about my philosophy course and just wasn't sure I would be able to wrap my brain around some of these topics. And when in life was I ever going to use philosophy - isn't that a major people pursue when their parents won't let them declare undeclared?
Sure I struggled to make sense of it all. My professor one of the most popular at SU, did his best to beat us over the head with the meaning, importance, lessons from these great thinkers. Well he didn't actually beat us physically, but that chalkboard sure took a beating. I listened, read the books, wrote the papers and of course got an A.
I should mention here I am a recovering perfectionist. I spent my life doing whatever it took to be perfect. For real, I am recovering from this. It's true. I can now leave the house without "doing" my hair - big step. You think I am kidding here? Ask my JFK girls. They can contest to the girl who put on make-up and attempted to curl her hair when she camped! (Important side note for a deeper understanding of ME. Remember my goal...be honest...even when it's not easy.)
Looking back at my courses from Seattle University, the Intro to Philosophy was one of my favorites. The professor was animated, the information was thought provoking and I learned something new. However I didn't think that one of the messages our professor discussed on a daily basis would smack me in the head 10 years later. Ever heard of Dolly the Cow?This past year has been a growth process of discovering who I really am, my dreams, the life I choose to live. This sort of thinking is common but it is the action of doing so that is not so common. In fact, when individuals act on their dreams people label them as crazy! We are commissioned to think, act, believe, pray, eat, exercise in a particular way. There is a right way and a wrong way to everything. Or is there? Or is those "ways" taught to us because of the fear of what would be reality if everyone did exactly what they wanted?
Sounds silly doesn't it. And you are probably saying we have free will. You can do what ever you want. Really? You think so? So if I told you I graduated from college, got a job, got married. You would say I had free will to do so? Right. I did. But what if I told you during that time I realized I made a wrong turn along the way. And to get back to my straight line and my dreams it required a divorce. Now what you would say? Right. See.
So how does this relate to the cow my philosophy teacher made famous for all incoming freshmen at Seattle University? It's all quite simple but we make it more complicated. The beautiful aspect to being human and what makes us more complex then other animals in the kingdom is our freedom to choose who we are, what we do and who we share it with. Dolly the Cow does not have this same option. She is told what to eat, when to eat and where to eat. Her milk is taken. And then she is slaughtered for the consumption of others.
When we choose to listen to the noise. When we choose to listen to others. We eat what we are told to eat. Our "milk" or our creations are used to others can make what they want out of them - skim milk, whole milk, 1%, 2%, half and half, non-fat milk, etc. And...here is the worst part. We are metaphorically being slaughtered. But we experience a slow, miserable death. Instead we should be silent and listen to our soul and act out the passions that are the make-up of our truest being. When we don't we experience life like Dolly.
How does it feel to have a dream? A dream that is so powerful your whole body, mind and soul is consumed by it. Every second. And then because you think by the age of 30 you should have a steady job, house, family, 401k plan, etc. You crush your dream. You put it in the closet. You push it away every day when it awakes you in the morning. Isn't that a slow death?
I believe dreams are a part of our make-up and ignoring them is death - death to our soul. Trust me on this one. I didn't listen. I became Dolly. I have experienced this misery. Not only did it begin to kill me. It started to kill others around me. Let's just say I wasn't the life of the party. In fact I stopped getting invited to parties. Party Pooper extraordinaire! And as much as my choice might have hurt others the act of not taking steps towards my dream was taking my breath away. Every second.
You see Dolly can't think for herself. But we can. That's the amazing gift of human life. The freedom to be creative and express ourselves however we want. I am learning this ideology. And let me tell you it's not easy. Especially for a person who has spent her whole life doing what she thought would make others happy. But the beauty is I was given a re-do. I can start over. I am making a conscious decision to live MY life. And if people don't like my decisions, actions, clothes, hair, car, house, etc. Too bad. It's not their life. It's mine. I am not going to be pushed into the herd and be told what to make of my life. This is my life. My dream. My freedom.
So next time a child colors outside the lines take a moment before you tell her to make sure she stays in the lines. What would the world be like if we didn't make children color in the lines? What if we just gave them the tools and resources to color and then said "go to town!"?
In that same way I am taking the resources, stories, tools, lessons and love I have gathered along my life journey and choosing to color how ever the spirit moves me. You might think it's crazy. Sure. I get it. But just once. Try it. Color outside the line. And then tell me how free you feel?
"Freedom is the oxygen of the soul." - Moshe Dayan
Peace.Love.Dream.
Saturday, January 1, 2011
To New Beginnings...
So it's a new year. Hard to believe I this is my 30th Birthday Year! Yikes. Like most people on January 1st I set out a few goals for this new year. One being this little blog I created. With my extensive travels this year - over 45,000 airmiles I found it difficult to communicate to the outside world what the heck was happening in my life. This is my attempt at such. And although this is in part a way for me to connect with my friends and family, it's really more for ME - call it a self reflection. An outlet to communicate whats on my mind and in my heart. A way to express my passions, goals, triumphs, sadness, loves, adventures and glory. Love it! (plus I have felt a little left out since everyone else is blogging! I wanted to join the club.)
What you can expect from me is honesty in its purest form. I have found honesty to be the truest element of living free. This is what I want from life - FREEDOM. Freedom to be the person I want to be. And...this is my biggest struggle. To be me - the real me. And this is why I have titled my blog The Life Adventures of a Crazy Woman. The last year has been insane. I learned I am crazy but that's okay...really it is. Because if the true me is crazy then bring that shit on!!!
So here's a toast to my first blog post. This one is a little long but it's an important preface to what is to come. I hope you enjoy the adventure as much as I am...
Self-reflection can be a curse and a gift. You spend an entire lifetime working towards enlightenment. But if not approached from the right direction it can turn your reality upside down faster than a boat can sink in the middle of the Pacific.
In the past 12 months I have experienced more pain, growth, happiness, ecstasy, heartache, tears, laughter, dancing, running, love and hate than I did my 29 years prior. Why is that? Is it the closer I reach to clarity that I am no longer numb to the emotions, feelings, thoughts?
I can tell you I feel crazier today than I ever have. I give myself pep talks at work, at home, in Starbucks, even in my sleep. I didn’t know it was possible to dream a pep talk but if anyone were able to hear a motivational speech in the middle of the night it would be me.
As pointed out numerous times in the last few weeks – I thrive, check that - feed off of my negative emotions about myself like a crack addict. So I guess this is me getting my hit. Though I would assume a drug addict feels numb after a big hit of their favorite sin. I on the other hand only feel as raw as a new burn.
Its not that I want to be sad, its more that I feel more comfortable being sad and frustrated. I know the exact sequence of the process. I wake up, sit in bed for a while, put on some sad music, get ready – constantly checking myself in the mirror thinking to myself, I knew those chips would add five pounds overnight. I get in the car to more emotional music, make it through my day and then here’s the kicker – I race back home to sit in the dark and cry myself asleep. Pretty pathetic I would say. But man do I have it down to a science.
There are moments when running away and crying seem so much easier than taking on the task at hand. And running, now that takes serious effort. You don’t just run. You need some sort of plan if you don’t want to end up on the corner of 1st and nowhere. It’s the nowhere that scares me the most.
A very important person once told me, “humans either act on love or fear.” So true isn’t it? I mean really? What was your last action? Can you put it into one of these categories? Yep. Thought so.
My fear. Well we could write a whole book on that one. I’m afraid of what its like to not be afraid. Makes sense doesn’t it? Let me run it down for you. I’m afraid of living a life where I am not afraid to go get what I want, to not be afraid to tell the truth, to not be afraid of what others might say or think about me, to not be afraid to laugh at what I want to laugh at. Essentially to not be afraid of the me I want to be.
Sounds simple to repair. Just shut the f^&* up and be who you want to be. Duh! Um…tried that. Obviously it didn’t work. That’s like telling a crack addict, “come on just don’t take a hit today”. Now if it was that easy I would be a millionaire therapist to drug addicts. But we all know any addition is not SO easy to conquer.
It’s like telling a lie. We all do it. And after we do we say to ourselves, “I am NEVER telling another lie. Not doing it”. The next thing we know is 5 hours later here comes another juicy lie. We can’t stop unless we come clean. Have to right all the lies we have told to get out of the one we are in. And if it was easy why would we lie in the first place? Because don’t we all feel worse when we lie? I won’t continue to speak in generalities here. I will speak for myself. It kills me every time I lie. I really want to run at that point. But there’s nowhere to go but to live in the lie. Or at least till the courage comes to really end it. Like stand on top of Mount Everest and say THE END.
And maybe its not the lies that are the most difficult to bear maybe it is the truth. The truth about whom we really are when the make-up is off and we are naked in front of the world. Can we actually stand to be that person? Have we conquered our demons or do they quietly manifest inside of our souls until one day we burst.
I believe there are two roads when one gets to the bursting level. One road is rough, patchy and uneven at times but the journey is one not to be forgotten. The other is a cliff with one simple step off that stops all life.
You see I got to the bursting level. I think there was a morning when I actually bursted. Instead of flames – gallons of tears. Big ones too. The kind that stops breathing. And I had a choice. A choice to keep trudging or a choice to jump. Jumping was too easy. I knew that outcome. But for once in my life I wanted the journey where I didn’t know the outcome. Sure I might end up 50 years old, a packrat with my only companion being my cat Sophie but man that sounded a whole heck of a lot better than jumping to my death.
So here I sit. Almost a year later. Still breathing. Still walking. And surprisingly still laughing. Now don’t get me wrong. I have gotten some serious bruises along the way. This path can be down right shitty at times. Serious. Waking up in my favorite dress, surrounded by a puddle of Cabernet puke is not what I call a picnic but I made it through. Lived to tell another day.
What does my future hold for me? Good freakin question. Honestly, I don’t want to know. So if you happen to be physic please keep the details of my future to yourself. I am trying to live this moment – right here. Sitting in my little chair I have had since college writing in darkness to the beautiful sound of nothingness. Yep I said beautiful. Don’t you want to know how I came to that conclusion? But you know what? That’s the amazing part of your own life journey. A sound we may have dreaded to hear a mere 14 months ago now becomes a sound of comfort and love. Crazy isn’t it?!
What you can expect from me is honesty in its purest form. I have found honesty to be the truest element of living free. This is what I want from life - FREEDOM. Freedom to be the person I want to be. And...this is my biggest struggle. To be me - the real me. And this is why I have titled my blog The Life Adventures of a Crazy Woman. The last year has been insane. I learned I am crazy but that's okay...really it is. Because if the true me is crazy then bring that shit on!!!
So here's a toast to my first blog post. This one is a little long but it's an important preface to what is to come. I hope you enjoy the adventure as much as I am...
Self-reflection can be a curse and a gift. You spend an entire lifetime working towards enlightenment. But if not approached from the right direction it can turn your reality upside down faster than a boat can sink in the middle of the Pacific.
In the past 12 months I have experienced more pain, growth, happiness, ecstasy, heartache, tears, laughter, dancing, running, love and hate than I did my 29 years prior. Why is that? Is it the closer I reach to clarity that I am no longer numb to the emotions, feelings, thoughts?
I can tell you I feel crazier today than I ever have. I give myself pep talks at work, at home, in Starbucks, even in my sleep. I didn’t know it was possible to dream a pep talk but if anyone were able to hear a motivational speech in the middle of the night it would be me.
As pointed out numerous times in the last few weeks – I thrive, check that - feed off of my negative emotions about myself like a crack addict. So I guess this is me getting my hit. Though I would assume a drug addict feels numb after a big hit of their favorite sin. I on the other hand only feel as raw as a new burn.
Its not that I want to be sad, its more that I feel more comfortable being sad and frustrated. I know the exact sequence of the process. I wake up, sit in bed for a while, put on some sad music, get ready – constantly checking myself in the mirror thinking to myself, I knew those chips would add five pounds overnight. I get in the car to more emotional music, make it through my day and then here’s the kicker – I race back home to sit in the dark and cry myself asleep. Pretty pathetic I would say. But man do I have it down to a science.
There are moments when running away and crying seem so much easier than taking on the task at hand. And running, now that takes serious effort. You don’t just run. You need some sort of plan if you don’t want to end up on the corner of 1st and nowhere. It’s the nowhere that scares me the most.
A very important person once told me, “humans either act on love or fear.” So true isn’t it? I mean really? What was your last action? Can you put it into one of these categories? Yep. Thought so.
My fear. Well we could write a whole book on that one. I’m afraid of what its like to not be afraid. Makes sense doesn’t it? Let me run it down for you. I’m afraid of living a life where I am not afraid to go get what I want, to not be afraid to tell the truth, to not be afraid of what others might say or think about me, to not be afraid to laugh at what I want to laugh at. Essentially to not be afraid of the me I want to be.
Sounds simple to repair. Just shut the f^&* up and be who you want to be. Duh! Um…tried that. Obviously it didn’t work. That’s like telling a crack addict, “come on just don’t take a hit today”. Now if it was that easy I would be a millionaire therapist to drug addicts. But we all know any addition is not SO easy to conquer.
It’s like telling a lie. We all do it. And after we do we say to ourselves, “I am NEVER telling another lie. Not doing it”. The next thing we know is 5 hours later here comes another juicy lie. We can’t stop unless we come clean. Have to right all the lies we have told to get out of the one we are in. And if it was easy why would we lie in the first place? Because don’t we all feel worse when we lie? I won’t continue to speak in generalities here. I will speak for myself. It kills me every time I lie. I really want to run at that point. But there’s nowhere to go but to live in the lie. Or at least till the courage comes to really end it. Like stand on top of Mount Everest and say THE END.
And maybe its not the lies that are the most difficult to bear maybe it is the truth. The truth about whom we really are when the make-up is off and we are naked in front of the world. Can we actually stand to be that person? Have we conquered our demons or do they quietly manifest inside of our souls until one day we burst.
I believe there are two roads when one gets to the bursting level. One road is rough, patchy and uneven at times but the journey is one not to be forgotten. The other is a cliff with one simple step off that stops all life.
You see I got to the bursting level. I think there was a morning when I actually bursted. Instead of flames – gallons of tears. Big ones too. The kind that stops breathing. And I had a choice. A choice to keep trudging or a choice to jump. Jumping was too easy. I knew that outcome. But for once in my life I wanted the journey where I didn’t know the outcome. Sure I might end up 50 years old, a packrat with my only companion being my cat Sophie but man that sounded a whole heck of a lot better than jumping to my death.
So here I sit. Almost a year later. Still breathing. Still walking. And surprisingly still laughing. Now don’t get me wrong. I have gotten some serious bruises along the way. This path can be down right shitty at times. Serious. Waking up in my favorite dress, surrounded by a puddle of Cabernet puke is not what I call a picnic but I made it through. Lived to tell another day.
What does my future hold for me? Good freakin question. Honestly, I don’t want to know. So if you happen to be physic please keep the details of my future to yourself. I am trying to live this moment – right here. Sitting in my little chair I have had since college writing in darkness to the beautiful sound of nothingness. Yep I said beautiful. Don’t you want to know how I came to that conclusion? But you know what? That’s the amazing part of your own life journey. A sound we may have dreaded to hear a mere 14 months ago now becomes a sound of comfort and love. Crazy isn’t it?!
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