To New Beginnings...

So it's a new year. Hard to believe I this is my 30th Birthday Year! Yikes. Like most people on January 1st I set out a few goals for this new year. One being this little blog I created. With my extensive travels this year - over 45,000 airmiles I found it difficult to communicate to the outside world what the heck was happening in my life. This is my attempt at such. And although this is in part a way for me to connect with my friends and family, it's really more for ME - call it a self reflection. An outlet to communicate whats on my mind and in my heart. A way to express my passions, goals, triumphs, sadness, loves, adventures and glory. Love it! (plus I have felt a little left out since everyone else is blogging! I wanted to join the club.)

What you can expect from me is honesty in its purest form. I have found honesty to be the truest element of living free. This is what I want from life - FREEDOM. Freedom to be the person I want to be. And...this is my biggest struggle. To be me - the real me. And this is why I have titled my blog The Life Adventures of a Crazy Woman. The last year has been insane. I learned I am crazy but that's okay...really it is. Because if the true me is crazy then bring that shit on!!!

So here's a toast to my first blog post. This one is a little long but it's an important preface to what is to come. I hope you enjoy the adventure as much as I am...


Self-reflection can be a curse and a gift.  You spend an entire lifetime working towards enlightenment. But if not approached from the right direction it can turn your reality upside down faster than a boat can sink in the middle of the Pacific.

In the past 12 months I have experienced more pain, growth, happiness, ecstasy, heartache, tears, laughter, dancing, running, love and hate than I did my 29 years prior. Why is that? Is it the closer I reach to clarity that I am no longer numb to the emotions, feelings, thoughts?

I can tell you I feel crazier today than I ever have.  I give myself pep talks at work, at home, in Starbucks, even in my sleep.  I didn’t know it was possible to dream a pep talk but if anyone were able to hear a motivational speech in the middle of the night it would be me.

As pointed out numerous times in the last few weeks – I thrive, check that - feed off of my negative emotions about myself like a crack addict. So I guess this is me getting my hit. Though I would assume a drug addict feels numb after a big hit of their favorite sin. I on the other hand only feel as raw as a new burn.

Its not that I want to be sad, its more that I feel more comfortable being sad and frustrated. I know the exact sequence of the process. I wake up, sit in bed for a while, put on some sad music, get ready – constantly checking myself in the mirror thinking to myself, I knew those chips would add five pounds overnight. I get in the car to more emotional music, make it through my day and then here’s the kicker – I race back home to sit in the dark and cry myself asleep. Pretty pathetic I would say. But man do I have it down to a science.

There are moments when running away and crying seem so much easier than taking on the task at hand. And running, now that takes serious effort. You don’t just run. You need some sort of plan if you don’t want to end up on the corner of 1st and nowhere. It’s the nowhere that scares me the most.

A very important person once told me, “humans either act on love or fear.” So true isn’t it? I mean really? What was your last action? Can you put it into one of these categories? Yep. Thought so.

My fear. Well we could write a whole book on that one. I’m afraid of what its like to not be afraid. Makes sense doesn’t it? Let me run it down for you. I’m afraid of living a life where I am not afraid to go get what I want, to not be afraid to tell the truth, to not be afraid of what others might say or think about me, to not be afraid to laugh at what I want to laugh at. Essentially to not be afraid of the me I want to be.

Sounds simple to repair. Just shut the f^&* up and be who you want to be. Duh! Um…tried that. Obviously it didn’t work. That’s like telling a crack addict, “come on just don’t take a hit today”. Now if it was that easy I would be a millionaire therapist to drug addicts. But we all know any addition is not SO easy to conquer.

It’s like telling a lie. We all do it. And after we do we say to ourselves, “I am NEVER telling another lie. Not doing it”. The next thing we know is 5 hours later here comes another juicy lie. We can’t stop unless we come clean. Have to right all the lies we have told to get out of the one we are in. And if it was easy why would we lie in the first place? Because don’t we all feel worse when we lie? I won’t continue to speak in generalities here. I will speak for myself. It kills me every time I lie. I really want to run at that point. But there’s nowhere to go but to live in the lie. Or at least till the courage comes to really end it. Like stand on top of Mount Everest and say THE END.

And maybe its not the lies that are the most difficult to bear maybe it is the truth. The truth about whom we really are when the make-up is off and we are naked in front of the world. Can we actually stand to be that person? Have we conquered our demons or do they quietly manifest inside of our souls until one day we burst.

I believe there are two roads when one gets to the bursting level. One road is rough, patchy and uneven at times but the journey is one not to be forgotten. The other is a cliff with one simple step off that stops all life.

You see I got to the bursting level. I think there was a morning when I actually bursted. Instead of flames – gallons of tears. Big ones too. The kind that stops breathing. And I had a choice. A choice to keep trudging or a choice to jump. Jumping was too easy. I knew that outcome. But for once in my life I wanted the journey where I didn’t know the outcome. Sure I might end up 50 years old, a packrat with my only companion being my cat Sophie but man that sounded a whole heck of a lot better than jumping to my death.

So here I sit. Almost a year later. Still breathing. Still walking. And surprisingly still laughing. Now don’t get me wrong. I have gotten some serious bruises along the way. This path can be down right shitty at times. Serious.  Waking up in my favorite dress, surrounded by a puddle of Cabernet puke is not what I call a picnic but I made it through. Lived to tell another day.

What does my future hold for me? Good freakin question. Honestly, I don’t want to know. So if you happen to be physic please keep the details of my future to yourself. I am trying to live this moment – right here. Sitting in my little chair I have had since college writing in darkness to the beautiful sound of nothingness. Yep I said beautiful. Don’t you want to know how I came to that conclusion? But you know what? That’s the amazing part of your own life journey. A sound we may have dreaded to hear a mere 14 months ago now becomes a sound of comfort and love. Crazy isn’t it?!