Where is home?

It's that stressful time again. No I am not talking about tax season. I am talking about my lease is up! This is a love hate relationship for me. I hate moving. But love a new space. In the past 10 years I have moved 9 times. Only staying in one place for 2 years. That is insane! Think about it - I had to put my Ikea furniture together 9 times. That in itself might be the most stressful of it all. All those little pieces and cranking the what-you-call-it tool. Ugh! My blood pressure rises just thinking about it.

I wanted to spend some time looking deeper into this having to move and not be comfortable with one place little predicament I put myself in. Growing up we only moved once. When I was three we moved from our boat to the house I would spend the next 15 years in. So it's  not like my parents instilled this "I must move" anxious feeling I get every year. And man do I get anxious. The thought of moving consumes me. I stress about it, worry about it, dream about it....

The real question is where does this come from? Can I please pick a place. Please. As I started to ponder this while I was scouring the internet for a new abode it slowly came to me. The last ten years I was really struggling with my identity. And I am still working on it. But it was almost like I was having an identity crisis. Wait check that. I was having an identity crisis.

Let's be honest here. If you have spent anytime with me over the last 10 years you would recognize my inability to pick - pick my clothes, pick where I want to eat, what show to watch, where I want to vacation. This is quite annoying and extremely annoying for others. I can tell you I have been told this on many occasions. So it makes sense that I would have a problem picking a location to live.

But its more about the physical location of where I am living. It's about a place to rest my soul. You know that saying - home is where the heart is. True. But it is really so much more than that. It's a place where your soul can rest, can rejuvenate, can dance in the moonlight. Come on don't act like I'm the only one who dances alone in my room! You just haven't been caught yet. Don't try to lie.

So if I can't figure out where to go eat how could I expect myself to pick the perfect place for me. Until I listened to my soul tell me. And it has been telling me for years! However all of a sudden I'm like eureka! The heavens opened and I see. Insert angels singing, clouds opening and bottles poppin' here.

I remember my first trip to California. Actually one of my best memories. My aunt and uncle's wedding in beautiful Carmel. I remember the smell of the ocean, the beautiful colors of the sunset, I even remember the texture of the rocks we played on. My next trip wasn't until I was in 8th grade when my Mom brought us with her for one of her education conventions in Los Angeles. And then I wouldn't come back till I was in college. But I always knew. Always felt this pull towards SoCal. Like a magnet.

While in college I tried to convince one of my teammates to move to LA with me after we graduated. She agreed. But then. Yes...a boy came along. So that was out of the question. You see on my last visit I was in love. In love with the sites, the people, the culture, the creative air, the opportunity and the sun wasn't too bad either. It would be nice to not be called "white lightening" anymore or to be asked where are my socks when I clearly had them on. I was going to be tan! But sadly, no luck. My wish of being a California girl would have to wait.

Until that day I met a California boy. Want to hear something sappy. I cried after the spring break when I had to go back to Seattle. I didn't want to leave California. Man I am sap for this place.

Sure. I can hear you all now. California! Those stuck up, snobby, celebrities, with too much money, who wants to live in a place with no seasons. Right. Okay. Talk your smack but didn't your Mom ever tell you to only talk about what you know? Ever spent some real time here?  Ever talk to the people? Ever experience the fun of a sunny Christmas morning? That is my nice way of saying keeping your mouth shut! Take that.

I knew I had to get back to this place. Had to. Or I would go crazy. The universe had been laying hints all along the way that this was my place I just never stopped to listen. There was even one point when my doctor said I needed to move to a warmer climate because my circulation problem was getting worse. You guessed it. I didn't listen. Hello I am stubborn people! In the worst way.

It wasn't until moving to California was the only way to keep my current relationship in tact that I finally made a move. And man did I move on that one. Found a place, made the plans and drove a Uhaul all the way to Southern California. Figured it out in less than 5 months. I can honestly say that move was one of the best decisions of my life.

However, I wasn't quite listening all the way.  Know what this feels like? You sort of do what you want. You buy the purse that looks like the one you really want but are afraid to spend the money. And then the whole time you wish you would have bought the other one! So frustrating. And then you get to a point where you resent the bag you bought. A month later it's collecting dust in the back of your closet. All along you could have just done what you wanted first, been happy and never had to have any of those negative emotions in the first place. Too easy. Way to easy to be happy. Ha!

I've moved 4 times since being here. Always in search of that soul resting place. Thinking I could make due even though I knew I wanted to be just a little bit more North. You would have thought after having to put together that Ikea bookshelf for the 3rd time I would have gotten the hint. Nope. I am very good at making myself suffer. But suffer no more!

Have you wondered yet where I think my soul home is?  You mean you can't guess? Yes. It's in California but this is a huge state! Ever try to drive from SD to the Bay Area?! My dream home - is in the Los Angeles area. I absolutely love it there. I feel me. I feel free. And for the first time in more than 10 years I feel home.

Sure I might have to move a few more times. But only if it's an upgrade to my current housing situation. Now I am on a mission. I have a purpose to my search that's greater then a place to put all my stuff. Home is more than the 12x12 space you sleep in. Home is where your soul feels free to be, to live, to create, to love and enjoy every moment on this beautiful earth. Okay sounds a little cheesy. But it is so true.

I must get back to my search. Ah so fitting. Life is a search process. Every piece. For if we stop searching we have stopped living. Back to emails and craigslist to find my new home in LA. Holla!!!

"Peace - that was the other name for home." - Kathleen Norris

Peace. Love. Dream.